Another New Year

All too often, anger works better than answers, resentment better than reason, bursting the suppressed wounds for even just a little sigh relief, and maybe a little hint of life. The endless whys trigger a migraine. This is how we are alive. This is how I was living.

Sealed trauma;
A surfaced past;
Trying to forget, will forget, please forget, I don’t want to go there;
Tight lips;
Soulless eyes;
Empty thoughts;
Heavy heart;

This year was remarkable.
From being diagnosed with MDD cm ADD and put on medication for 13 months;
From sleeping next to pitiless insomnia;
From countless court hearing resets and dragging court dates;
From being sick with Covid, first time riding an ambulance, brought to a facility, my anxiety was spiraling, it was so stressful I lost so much weight in just 2 weeks;
From going through the heartbreaking deaths of my dogs;
From falling out friendships and toxic relationships;
Yes, this year has been remarkable.

I don’t talk much. I don’t. But the doctor said I have to. To process. To release. To unbury feelings. To ungirt the leash that is suffocating. So this is as much that I could do. I’m trying, it’s unusual, it’s uncomfortable, but I’m trying.

Despite everything, I am proud of myself. For hanging in there. For surviving. For still being here. I am no longer angry. I haven’t been in a long while now. I am more calm. I don’t try to feel too much of the insignificant things.

And most of all I am grateful. Especially to the few who understand me, who include me, who check up on me, who bear with my quiet, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Sending out love to each of you, wherever you find yourself this season. 💜

xx DMV

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