Lonely Thursdays

It was a lonely Thursday when I impulsively got on that plane to find myself. 

Soothe the trembling hands from a longing so unbearably painful, the noise from my throbbing chest so awfully loud. 

Is this how it is to love truly? To intentionally be blind from candied lies and dilated pride? Could I even take it all in? For the longest time, could I or should I or would I? Must I? 

Blank spaces. I remember staring at the wall of the four corners of this cramped up space I pretty much called home for the weekend, waiting for a call that will never come and started to ask my self, am I even significant? So many unanswered questions kept running through my head and it kept me awake most of the night, inviting insomnia overthinking on the past 12 years.

And in between the commotion of what ifs and regrets I try to battle when evening comes and the silence sets in, I realize that life is a fleeting goodbye and peace is a fragile bonus. I realized, as I grew older, the circle I treaded, once wide, has become small and narrow, and I’d rather that. My time is now. This is my time. And I choose to be selfish. I will release myself of anything that does not curve the corners of my mouth and quiet the insecurities that threaten to surface. I will feast on wonder, on silly nonsense, on joy, on self love; to wake and greet the reflection that has evolved into this beautiful version of Me. Wounded, scarred, but slowly healing.

xx DMV

Another New Year

All too often, anger works better than answers, resentment better than reason, bursting the suppressed wounds for even just a little sigh relief, and maybe a little hint of life. The endless whys trigger a migraine. This is how we are alive. This is how I was living.

Sealed trauma;
A surfaced past;
Trying to forget, will forget, please forget, I don’t want to go there;
Tight lips;
Soulless eyes;
Empty thoughts;
Heavy heart;

This year was remarkable.
From being diagnosed with MDD cm ADD and put on medication for 13 months;
From sleeping next to pitiless insomnia;
From countless court hearing resets and dragging court dates;
From being sick with Covid, first time riding an ambulance, brought to a facility, my anxiety was spiraling, it was so stressful I lost so much weight in just 2 weeks;
From going through the heartbreaking deaths of my dogs;
From falling out friendships and toxic relationships;
Yes, this year has been remarkable.

I don’t talk much. I don’t. But the doctor said I have to. To process. To release. To unbury feelings. To ungirt the leash that is suffocating. So this is as much that I could do. I’m trying, it’s unusual, it’s uncomfortable, but I’m trying.

Despite everything, I am proud of myself. For hanging in there. For surviving. For still being here. I am no longer angry. I haven’t been in a long while now. I am more calm. I don’t try to feel too much of the insignificant things.

And most of all I am grateful. Especially to the few who understand me, who include me, who check up on me, who bear with my quiet, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Sending out love to each of you, wherever you find yourself this season. 💜

xx DMV

3rd Quarter Musings

I think—no, I believe I haven’t written in a very loooong time. This pandemic has fvcked up my sleeping cycle, my body clock, my little to less routines, and totally drained out whatever is left of the creative ink circulating in my brain. I started this back last year if I’m not mistaken? And I guess stories of certain events and bent up feelings of excitement coupled with a little anxiety finally finished it. Soooo, yeah, here haha.

The Day Everything Changed

One full year isolated from friends and loved ones.

One full year out of work, out of school.

One full year of faces hidden behind a collection of masks.

One full year of life as we know it, thrown into complete disarray.

Exactly a year ago when the world went into a standstill, locked down and boarded up as we were thrown into a wave of uncertainty, unprepared and caught off guard, spiraling into a state of disequilibrium, a life characterized by fear and anxiety.

One full year since the day everything changed and away from a reality we will never get back.

Can we ever grasp the new normalcy we struggle to live with?

Will we ever become comfortable in the daily uncertain?

Will we ever see through the shadows of a dream draped with looming obscurity?

Will freedom be less defined?

Endless questions with answers held by a future that remains dimly vague,

With tiny slivers of hope only few seem to recognize, rejected by most as distrust blind their discernment.

Out of this chaos, may we realize that everything can end in an instant so focus on what is important and always be grateful for somehow, we are still surviving.

xx

DMV

Cliff glider

I never imagined getting affected by the flimsiest of things but here I am, a chaotic mess of sad, angry and feeling bad. Yes, I felt bad.

It never crossed my mind that I would develop anxiety but the past 10 months of uncontrollable uncertainty has turned me into a silent wreck.

Isolation and confinement has pushed me to reach out to people, recklessly exposing myself to be emotionally vulnerable and I’ve been led on and left out.

I’ve never done any of these things before and it’s overwhelmingly new and suffocating. And as soon as someone paid attention, I easily forget that expectation is paired with disappointment.

I used to be so good at refocusing my thoughts, blocking out bad memories, or just not giving a care but somehow, it’s been getting really hard to hold it all together and not being able to control what runs through my head is taking its toll on me.

Too heavy.

Too depressing.

Too confusing.

Too much.

xx

DMV

Bewitched by Children’s Laughter

I did not dream of having kids. It was never part of the plan.

I wanted to write and live in different places, experience this diverse, expansive earth everyone keeps talking about.

At some point, I even wanted to go to outer space, discover aliens, leave footprints on the moon, trek Mars, name stars.

But you see, life has a sick sense of humor and who would have imagined I’d end up birthing 3 boys instead.

The irony.

I wasn’t ready.

Stuck in the mundane.

I think I’ll never be ready.

Fine, joke’s on me.

But I kept on, even when my mind was in total chaos. I still keep on.

I had the choice to get away, to run away as I always do, but I stayed.

And trying to be a mother, keeping up a facade of this supposedly strong person and parenting alone while my heart shattered into infinite pieces, was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure.

But oh, the laughter of children, the sweetest songs, such beautiful music to my ears, I could listen to for a lifetime.

The course of our lives sometimes do not play out like how we pictured it in our heads but somehow, we always end up where we should be.

And most times, much happier.

 

xx

DMV

God and Religious Stereotypes

I think I’ve kept quiet long enough. Too long even. I’ve kept quiet most of my life. Maybe I was scared. Maybe out of respect for the people who took (and still takes) care of me and taught me early on all that is viable in life. Or maybe because I know my opinions would be judged and unacceptable to some (or most). Or maybe because I know I will be looked down upon because my faith is rather unconventional. I don’t know.

God and Religion are two totally different things.

God is definitely not religion. Do not confuse yourself.

I am not religious at all, I’m sorry. It’s nothing I’m proud of, just pointing out that I’m not. And I wish to not identify with any religion. But don’t get me wrong, I do believe in God and know for a fact that I have a great relationship with my Creator.

There is this stereotype that people who do not identify with a particular religion must therefore be an atheist. I have nothing against atheists. In fact, I know a lot of atheists, I have friends who are atheists and most of them are really good people. We are all entitled to our own beliefs. Religion or religious beliefs or nonbeliefs do not make a person. Religions are but human institutions that enhances your experience of God but just because you do not identify to one does not mean that you cannot experience God.

I’m not religious because I’m just not impressed with it. I feel like it limits someone’s understanding of faith as each “religion” has its own distinct ideologies and cultures and traditions EVEN IF they claim to worship the same higher being.

And although I am not religious, I know, I KNOW that my God loves me the same as everyone else because my God is omnipotent and unbiased and merciful.

There is this other stereotype that if you don’t identify to a particular religion, your soul won’t be “saved.” I think I’ve lost count of how many people would scold me or tell me off when I don’t go to church, like as if rubbing shoulders with hypocrites really make my Sundays better. They will then proceed to tell me that you are there to worship God and not the people who attend church and I’m like aren’t these worship leaders, these priests, people as well? They are actually one of the reasons why religion turned me off. I do go to church sometimes, the coffee is always good.

I am very much aware, growing up in a family with closed religious beliefs, that as a “Christian,” I am obliged to go to Sunday mass or worship service, share in charities and actively participate in small groups (and I did for so many years). That is what tradition dictates. Not sure what sort of validation they get from doing so as I feel like their idea of being good followers of Christ or how a Christian life is to be led are pegged on their church attendance or the amount they give for tithes and offerings. I don’t really need to let the whole world know of the good that I do. Publishing it on multimedia and spilling it all over social media does not secure you a spot in heaven.

I don’t go for certain reasons I’m sure most people (who also call themselves Christians) won’t or refuse to understand. I however, worship my God in my own, intimate way, I don’t really need to let everyone in on how I do it because at the end of it all, it’s going to boil down to just me and Him. I keep a devotional that I read and reflect on every morning, I converse with my God about random things as I go about my day and I’m a fervent believer of prayer. Yes, I pray a lot and I also teach my children how to pray and be thankful for the life God has graced upon us. How fortunate are we to experience this beautiful world.

You see, each of us have our own ideals and beliefs and just because we are so passionate with ours, does not give us the right to dictate or force it on someone who does not share the same.

I wish everyone would learn to respect each other’s unique principles instead of being bigots and judgmental human beings.

I love my God and I always try to do whatever it is that will be pleasing to Him. I hope, as believers, you do the same.

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xx

DMV

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