Infinite Apologies

When apologies fall on deaf ears and reconciliation is overlooked by blind eyes.

A half smile.

I felt the distance in your voice when you asked how I was as I sipped my coffee; it left a bitter and sour aftertaste of pride and anger and hurt.

Quiet dead spaces.

I am sorry.

I keep wishing these three words could restore the fault lines I moved that quaked our existence and paint the cracks I created with gleaming peace.

And I will not stop.

Because I understand my mistake and I am pained just the same.

Because you are invaluable and beautiful and loved.

We live through a multitude of things, from life changing experiences to extraordinary adventures to immense sorrows and uncontrollable laughter.

And moving along, we stumble upon people who shape us and lift us out from the weighted burdens of life.

Some leave an indelible mark and these are the ones who are most fragile to keep.

We are not invincible and our hearts will shatter. Theirs will too.

I am sorry.

And I will not stop.

Because what we had (and I’m hoping we still have) was real, I was as real as you were but I admit I am not infallible and so is everyone else.

I am sorry.

And I will not stop.

Because despite hits and misses, we grew the same roots and bent the same shoulders and broke the same bones and it was okay; our thoughts in place, our intentions clear.

You had me, I had you, and somewhere in between, that was enough.

I am sorry.

And I will not stop.

Because I hold you close to my heart and I will not wait until the dam is full and our waters overflow and will no longer be contained and our heartstrings become tangled and yanked and torn, no I will not wait.

I am sorry.

And I will not stop.

Because I will not let this pass only to be buried and ignored. I will take my chances.

Your presence resonates a rare comfort that lulls a restless soul and I kind of miss that.

I am sorry.

And I will not stop.

Even if you feel agitated and this becomes a vicious cycle of me stepping in, voicing out, just so you could hear and see that I am truly sincere.

I am sorry.

And I will not stop.

Not until you grace me with a full smile that will revive an ebbing fire.

What we shared was the rasp that carved me into this odd sculpture, imperfect but beautiful nonetheless.

I would not have been whole if not for you, that is how much you mean to me.

I am sorry.

And I will not stop.




End of the rainbow.


I didn’t find gold at the end of the rainbow. Instead I found a black empty pot.

Ten years and I think our journey ends.

We took a chance, I took a chance because I believe that Family is everything. God knows how hard I’ve tried and fought to save mine. I had hope. I didn’t stop believing that it will get better despite the circumstances. But everyone has a breaking point. I’ve reached mine and my heart’s shut off, battered, beaten, broken; exhausted of being hurt and being lied to over and over again.

I’ve no regrets though, I took the dive because I chose to. Unfortunately we surfaced to two separate boats.

But I am thankful.

I am thankful to have spent ten years with someone who’s taught me the value of patience and perseverance; to have spent ten years with someone I truly love. I am thankful for all the happy moments we’ve shared, moments I anchored onto when I was about to give up. I am thankful for the blessing of three beautiful angels who has taught me to love unconditionally.

I am thankful for the experience in which I learned to value myself. I learned to love myself, to know my worth, to know what I deserve. I learned to be unselfish when it comes to things that are important. I learned the significance of life and family.

Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, some things are just not meant to be. You may be in love with each other yet you just can’t live together. And no matter how hard you try to keep the relationship from failing, if you’re working at it alone, it will all just fall apart.

I’m sorry for not being perfect. I know I’m not the ideal wife. I’m sorry for being angry, I was just trying to look out for you and it gets frustrating when you don’t listen. I’m sorry for being emotional, it just makes me sad that you don’t notice me. I’m sorry for being jealous, I just wanted you to be mine as I was yours.

As we go our separate ways and live our separate lives, my only wish is that you find whatever it is that you are looking for.

The life we live are brought about by the choices we make. Let us move on and choose to be happy.




(Photo courtesy: Tumblr)

Just some random thoughts.

There always comes a point in your life when you question yourself “Have I made the right decision?” I for one have lost count on how many times I’ve asked myself that dreadful question. But I do get that the life we live depends upon the choices we’ve made and if you find you are happy or miserable, you alone are accountable. Nobody is responsible for your happiness or your misery except you. The changes we want to see all depends on what action we do for what we want accomplished. Sad truth is we can’t save the world, we can’t save anyone from their selves.

Life is sometimes full of worries about details. If someone asked me how I was and I tell them I am doing fine, I’d be lying. I’ve been stuck in a dilemma for so long that I almost feel indifferent. But I am fully aware that my life’s turning point would all depend on me.



What are you willing to Give up?

Remember that thou art dust, and to dust thou shalt return.
— Genesis 3:19

For the Catholic Community, today, Ash Wednesday, marks the first day of the Lenten season. The season is for repentance, meditation, and abstinence which prepares us for Christ’s Resurrection on Easter Sunday, through which we attain redemption.

Ash Wednesday reminds us that we are all flawed and journeying to the grave. All year round, we dodge the reality of mortality. Life is our path, Death is our destiny. As the 14th Century writer Thomas a’Kempis counsels: “Presume not to promise yourself the next morning, and in the morning, consider you may not live till nightfall. Many die when they least think of it. A man is here today, and tomorrow he is gone. And when he is taken out of sight, he is also quickly out of mind.”

Some Facts about Ash Wednesday:

1. Its official name is “Day of Ashes,” so called because of the practice of rubbing ashes on one’s forehead in the sign of a cross.

2. Since it is exactly 40 days (excluding Sundays) before Easter Sunday, it will always fall on a Wednesday—there cannot be an “Ash Thursday” or “Ash Monday.”

3. The Bible never mentions Ash Wednesday—for that matter, it never mentions Lent.

4. The Eastern Orthodox Church does not observe Ash Wednesday; instead, they start Lent on “Clean Monday.”

5. The ashes are made from the blessed palms used in the Palm Sunday celebration of the previous year. The ashes are christened with Holy Water and are scented by exposure to incense.

6. In the Catholic Church, Ash Wednesday is observed by fasting, abstinence from meat, and repentance—a day of contemplating one’s transgressions.

7. In the Republic of Ireland, Ash Wednesday is National No Smoking Day. The date was chosen because quitting smoking ties in with giving up luxury for Lent.

So LENT is about sacrifice, giving up luxury, spiritual discipline, self-denial, abstinence, fasting, repentance, reflection…and this goes for forty days. That’s technically a month and a half(?).

I do remember not eating meat during lent when I was younger. Even the food at the cafeteria at my school was limited to tuna sandwiches and orange juice. But as I grew up, I kind of just stopped practicing “lent“. The last time I remembered fasting was fourteen years ago and the last time I remembered going to confession was ten years ago (before I got married).

I don’t have perfect attendance in Church but I do make it a point to go every Sunday if I can. My faith in God is strong and firm and we often talk.

As I was coming into the office this morning, I noticed a couple of co-employees with ashes on their foreheads and I said to myself maybe I should start practicing Lent. It might be good for me and my spiritual relationship with myself and my God. After all, I’ve been so blessed and the blessings just keep coming.

What am I willing to give up this Lenten season? Okay, I do realize forty days is quite long so I’m gonna list down what is achievable.

1. Online shopping. This will be forty days worth of savings.
2. Alcohol. Forty days of sobriety (FYI: I don’t drink everyday and no, I don’t have a drinking problem).
3. Meat, chicken and rice. Goodbye US Roast Beef Carving on Valentines day. On the brighter side, this will be good for my diet. I’ve been trying to lose weight since forever.
4. Junk food. Will just have to find another way to deal with stress.
5. PROCRASTINATION. I don’t think I need to explain why. I NEED to give this up not only during Lent.

I also think that Lent is not just for sacrifice but also for giving. I’ve given up grudges, animosity and revenge earlier this year so I’ve decided that this Lent would be a good time to start paying it forward, doing even just one good deed or act of kindness everyday.

Ashes are traced in the form of a cross on foreheads today. “What is the meaning of our strange behavior?” asks Anglican archbishop of Canterbur in his 2011 book: Writing in the Dust. “Three things, I believe. With these Lenten ashes, we confess. We promise. We hope — in a journey towards renewal.”

Crossing my fingers…I can do this…I can do this…I CAN DO THIS!

To God be the glory.



Wow, I actually researched about Lent and Fasting. I will do my penance this Lent. Good luck to me for forty days.