Posts Tagged ‘memories’

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Vivid dreams

March 20, 2019

They say the moments that’s had the most impact in your life are the most vivid.

I remember the dining table was round. I ate eggs for breakfast that triggered my allergies. My elbows were swollen. The bathroom door was brown and open when I received the first hit from the belt’s buckle. I was 5.

I remember the Bengay ointment on the bruises on my leg, my back. It was a big tube. It didn’t soothe the black blue but instead stung the scratches the buckle left. I didn’t make the highest honor roll list that quarter. I was in 5th grade.

I remember being nudged to raise my hand and go up front every last Sunday of the month. We would sit on a wooden pew on the left side of the hall at 6:30 in the morning and I always had to wear a dress, she did not allow us to wear jeans. I didn’t go up front that Sunday and missed the month’s calling again. I was followed by a tirade of rants from when we got into the car up to when we arrived at home. She continued to lash at me during breakfast. I started to despise religion.

I remember the red altar lights above the piano when I came running up the stairs to my grandmother’s room wailing I did not want to go home. My friend dropped me off after feeling ashamed I was bawling at her house. She didn’t speak to me after Sophomore year.

I remember my Pop crying, telling my Aunt “What did I ever do to her” when he found out I was pregnant at just 18. That cry will forever haunt me. My grandmother was singing and hugging me as we listened from inside the room. She wore a green dress. I could still smell her.

I remember my grandmother, my aunts, my cousins crying as I walked down the aisle. The look of pity. They were all dressed in pink. My veil was suffocating. The red carpet seemed endless. My Pop looked 10 years older in my wedding pictures.

I remember moving to his house. It was small and quiet. I was mostly left alone. I kept the lights on that first night and tried to get some sleep despite the panic. He bought me a pitbull pup to keep me company. She was black and really tiny. She died.

I remember the spit in my eye. He pushed me to the bedroom floor. Tore my ragged cat. It was afternoon. The closet drawers were a faint blue with off white borders. I found out he was cheating on me, again. I was pregnant with his second child.

I remember the kitchen’s window grills were iron black as my head smashed into them, three window panes and an aluminum door with a torn screen, his hand on my throat. I did not eat the chicken nuggets he brought home.

I remember my new born son crying, wanting to feed. I’m alone in the hospital room and I can’t reach the small plastic crib where he was put, I had to endure the pain from all those procedures that was still fresh from the day before. I got up. I had to. I could still feel my back burning. We were both crying, we were alone. He got back the next day smelling of liquor and cigarettes.

I remember him packing up to leave and I’m begging him to stay. I just got out of the shower, my hair dripping wet and electricity was out. There was no stopping him, like as if he couldn’t wait to leave. He left 3 days after his third son was born that November, after one of the most tragic typhoons passed. I wasn’t able to sleep for almost 2 months.

I remember taking my kids to the center to visit and he was fussy and wanting to bail. The pots at the front were ceramic and blue and broken. He threw a fit that morning, so they said. I was begging him to stay and finish the program but he still left. Why am I always the one begging anyway.

I remember a liter of rum and pork barbecue and a Pomeranian puppy. And I don’t even drink rum. I was sitting on my best friend’s porch, looking out onto a rotunda, mind blank. Woke up to a splitting headache the day after, emotionless and numb. Never knew I could love a hangover that much.

I remember my kid’s face, holding back tears when he didn’t show up, yet again. My son was really excited that morning but when I got back home from work, he was still in the living room, waiting. He was 10.

There is just too much, too many, the chaos inside my head, that writing about it would be a novel. A sad one.

I’ve mustered blocking out ugly moments. Moments so vivid, so real, so fresh, they hurt.

Because although these moments have permanently scarred the back of my brain, purged the little left emotion from my damaged heart, leaving a level of pain that is almost indescribable, I am not all that.

That is not my life and I will live through this. I always do.

I am well set into this world to thrive. Just need to remaster this blocking thing and put my mask back on.

 

xx

DMV

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Thursday at the farm

March 25, 2016

Holy Thursday | Photo set

xx

DMV

 

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Session | Verdeflor Family (by HM Veñegas)

June 2, 2015

Family – Where life begins and love never ends.

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Family is not an important thing, it is everything. – Michael J. Fox

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“Each of our lives will always be a special part of the other.”

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“You remember where I’ve been, respect who I’ve become and encourage me where I’m going.”

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“Children are the keys of paradise.” – Eric Hoffer

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“Our brothers and sisters are there with us from the dawn of our personal stories to the inevitable dusk.” – Susan Scarf Merrel

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“Even though we appear to be sewn in a different pattern, we have a common thread that won’t be broken-by people or years or distance.”

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“No closer bond of friendship is to be found than the love shared between brothers.”

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“Rejoice with your family in the beautiful land of life!”– Albert Einstein

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“There’s nothing that makes you more insane than family. Or more happy. Or more exasperated. Or more… secure.”– Jim Butcher

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“A mother’s love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no aw, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path.” – Agatha Christie

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“Children are the hands by which we take hold of heaven.” – Henry Ward Beecher

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“What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family.”– Mother Teresa

Photo courtesy: HM Veñegas

xx

DMV

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ANGELES

July 23, 2013

Angeles.

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The name of a Daughter.
The name of a Sister.
The name of an Aunt.
The name of a Mother.
The name of a Grandmother.
The name of a Great Grandmother.
The name of a Friend.
The name of God’s follower.
The name of an Angel.

To us grandchildren, she was our Lola Inday. An extraordinary woman who has dedicated her life to God and her family. I know for a fact that one can never say anything bad against her or recall any bad memory. That’s how extraordinary she was. She went to different heights just to ensure her family’s security and comfort. We can always run to Lola Inday and she will lend us a listening ear. She would share her wisdom about life and encourage us to be optimistic about it. She was always fair and kind and mindful of other people most especially her family. Family always came first. She was the heart and root of the family, she had the power to gather all of us in one place and bond over the most delicious food she could create. I could just go on and on and on on how beautiful this woman was to each and everyone of us. Everywhere she went, she touched lives. She was special. She was an inspiration. She was a blessing. She is our Angel.

July 19, 2013, after seven years, she is finally home.
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July 22, 2013, we finally laid her to rest beside Lolo Piciong, her beloved Ding, as she had requested.
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I close my eyes and try to form a complete picture of my beautiful abuelita. The way she talks, the color of her hair, her favorite outfit, the smell of her room, her enchanting smile and I realize I miss her.
She is a part of me, a part of us, a part of everyone whose life she’s touched.
She, the woman that is everything positive and strong.
She, the woman who taught us to be tender when we need to be a shoulder to cry on.
She, the woman that can take a stick of butter and a loaf of bread and turn it into a feast for God.
She, the woman who taught us to find beauty in everyone and everything and that judgment is unnecessary.

And it is comforting to know that she is always there.

Lola you are special
Your love knows no bounds
A room takes special warmth whenever you’re around
You believe we are beautiful and talented and wise
And choose to see the best in us through such loving eyes
Every day with you was precious
We are so grateful for the time
Of all the grandparents in the world
I’m thankful that you’re mine.

Angeles Canet Mascunana Verdeflor
November 18, 1923 – October 24, 2012

xx

DMV

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Remembering a Friend

March 27, 2013

God looked around his Garden and found an empty place.
He then looked down upon his earth and saw your loving face.
He put his arms around you and lifted you to rest.
His Garden must be beautiful, he always takes the best.
As the days come and go and the world moves on,
I know you’re still here, you’ll never be gone.
On the night the Angel came and
took your hand,
We cried as you left for an unknown land.
But Heaven rejoiced as you came into
sight,
For your soul was a diamond, shining so bright!

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It has been eight years since you’ve gone, but it feels like you’re just here somewhere, maybe on eternal vacation. Your view must be amazing with the powdery sand, the blue sea and the awesome sunsets.

We miss you Maiks and I hope you enjoyed when we came bringing you pizza and barbecue and ice cream because we certainly did! 😄 (not to mention all the juicy gossip)

Because you are always remembered..
Because you are forever loved..
Because you are greatly missed..

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Michaela Marie Gatchalian
1984-2005

xx

DMV

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