Blocked

I get you.

There were so many nights, I’m sure, that you struggled to silence the noise inside your head, but you just can’t.

How you pace back and forth by the front door waiting, counting the hours, the minutes, the seconds until the knob finally turns.

How you stare up the ceiling trying so hard not to panic but instead find yourself heavily breathing beneath the sheets of a cold and empty bed.

How you feel inadequate and not enough to fill his eyes, his thoughts, his lust.

A frantic scream, a restless void that you can’t seem to comprehend.

I get you.

He told me you weren’t okay but I never took a glance at how horribly he painted the woman he vowed to love for the rest of his life.

I know those were all pent up emotions and sometimes we say things we don’t really mean.

Maybe I was wrong to engage him in conversation.

Maybe I was wrong to have felt sorry for you and encouraged him to go home.

Maybe I was wrong.

I don’t know.

Truth is, there’s nothing to be scared of really.

What he and I had was far long forgotten but I understand if you feel the need to hate me. Hate me all you want, if that brings your mind at peace, hate me, that’s okay.

Because I get you.

I’ve been through the same, much worse even.

And I get you.

xx

DMV

Just my two cents: New Beginnings Foundation Inc., Bacolod City

We are a caring community concerned with the recovery, growth and freedom not only of the addicted person but the entire family system as well. – New Beginnings Foundation Inc.

March 25, 2015

Last November of 2014, I was overly thrilled to know that finally, a reputable rehabilitation center has opened here in Bacolod City. What was more overwhelming was my husband’s intent to go into rehab. We talked about it, talked it over with his family and everything was put into place. I was praying nonstop, profusely thanking God and hoping that this might be it. Finally, an answered prayer.

Prior to entering my husband into rehab, a lot of people advised me not to put him in New Beginnings, suggesting that there are far better centers that offer more extensive programs; that most patients from NB relapse; that NB is not able to control patients “sleeping” with each other given the fact they mix men and women in sleeping quarters. But I am not prejudice, I did not let the stories affect me, I know a number of people that graduated from New Beginnings who are now doing well, so I decided to visit the site. I was met by very accommodating staff; the facility, the house, they were all very good. It was a homey, quiet, and relaxing environment. The center follows the 12-step recovery program which focuses on spirituality, religion and God having an impact on changing a person’s life; the patients are allowed a day each week to interact with the outside world, they are not isolated; they are served healthy food and engaged in proactive activities and the family is involved every step of the way.

On November, 25, 2014, dazed and nauseated, together with my best friend and her husband, I brought my husband to New Beginnings. We were explained about the program, the expenses, the terms and conditions. I was made to sign papers, from what I understood, were liabilities between the patient and the paying party such as expenses for medication on top of the program cost or that the patient has the freedom to choose whether he wants to complete the program or not and the center cannot force him to stay and of course the house rules, visitation hours, etc. I was presented the total expenses that I will be paying every month after which I was also informed that they are open to staggered payments as they also put into consideration the financial aspect to be shouldered by the paying party. It was a laudable recourse, and I definitely believed that this was the right center for my husband. They pointed out the vital items that I needed to pay outright but to save myself the hassle, I paid the full amount of the program fee (excluding medicine and allowance) and they distributed it to the expenses that needed immediate attention.

That same night, my husband was evaluated by the center’s affiliated psychologist and it was found that his level of toxicity is fairly high and the detox administered by the center could not suffice and resolved for an intravenous detox.  They explained to me that he was supposed to be admitted in a hospital for that process but to save me from further expense, they will be administering the detox at the center and I’ll just be paying extra for the nurse to be assigned to him. I paid for a separate fee for the detox, that included the doctor, nurse and meds. It took 3 days for the detox to finally clear him of any sign of chemical toxin.

I was more than willing to do anything to help my husband get well because that meant my family had the chance of becoming whole and normal again. It was an opportunity for him to redeem his self from all the bullshit he’s done for the past years. After 5 days, my husband bailed out.

New Beginnings: You gave me really encouraging words that night and I’m very grateful. You gave me suggestions on what to do next and I truly appreciate it.

You also informed me that I will be getting a refund. I wasn’t expecting any because I knew I was gambling when I decided to put my husband into rehab but since you mentioned it, it somehow eased the frustration I felt right at that moment. You told me that I will not be getting the whole amount and I totally understand. You then obliged me to write a letter request for the refund. I got part of it last December together with a torn ledger of my husband’s record, written stuff I can’t understand on yellow paper and a bunch of receipts and you informed me that you will be in touch once the remaining reimbursement will be released.

It’s been three months and I haven’t heard any feedback from your end so I took the initiative to ask about the status of the refund. I’ve been told that it’s being followed up and I’ve been passed around. Yesterday you told me I wasn’t getting any which was contrary to what you informed me last November 30, 2014. You said that you have a nonrefundable policy as per my signed contract. Being put that I did not read and blindly signed the contract last November, missing out on the nonrefundable clause stated therein, I wasn’t furnished anything from your office that could somehow be a basis of whatever it is that you are trying to put out there. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE AT THE SOBER END. The portion of the refund I received last December led me to assume that I was indeed entitled to one.

You were there. You saw how he walked away from me and our kids and away from the center that Sunday. You were there when he signed his discharge papers. You were there when I was bawling my eyes out of frustration. YOU WERE THERE.

Yes we are strangers. I don’t know your stories, you don’t know mine. But strangers as we are, I TRUSTED you. I believed in you, I fucking believed you were a solution to this cancer that has struck my family. I’m not writing this to extract money from you. This is not about the money. You can have your refund for all I care. What is SAD and infuriating is you’ve given me false hope. You made me believe that you are here to help and ease what’s already damaged. You made me believe that I am not at a loss. Not only were you not convincing enough to have my husband stay (although that is beyond you), I also feel robbed emotionally, mentally and financially.

End point, it all boils down to just doing business.

Just some of my two cents.

DMV

This post was drafted on the day New Beginnings informed me of the nonrefundable policy, after three months. I decided to post my sentiments after I get hold of my copy of the signed contract. I brought my husband to the center last November 25, 2014, the same date my contract was signed. I got my copy just today.

Why speak the Truth

People nowadays don’t even bother to rationalize what they truly believe in or even try to perceive what is real and they end up building their entire lives on beliefs that are simply not true. Whatever is conventionalized or trending or desirable suddenly becomes truth to them.

So often times they live a misled life, they cater to ludicrous principles, they make do with what they are at present, the present being them chasing what is far beyond their reach, neglecting to see facts that are constantly lobbed at them and decide to act on ridiculous choices that will eventually destroy them. Unconsciously they are aware but in constant denial of their having too much incredible ambitions.

These people then start to lie. They begin to keep secrets. They morph into totally different characters. Because they are trying to keep up with the demands of the world they’ve speciously created to feed their own desires and expectations. They become selfish and self-absorbed and hurtful and deceitful and pathetic.

For the reason that they refuse to see and accept the truth. Truth in what they do, what they speak of, what they believe in, what they try to live on. And in due time, they are found out.

These people fail to see that in truth, cliche as it is, they are set free.

For in truth, they are able to trust and be trusted. In order to be successful in anything, a person must have a reputation of honesty. And in living a life of integrity you build on good relationships. Respect is gained.

Almost daily, one of our greatest stressors is the degree to which we should be honest. In truth, there is peace.

Believing what others say rather than exploring the truth for yourself will actually limit you and even keep you from doing what it is you are supposed to do. But if you contend for the truth, embrace it and build your life upon it, you will succeed in every endeavor.

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xx

DMV

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