Posts Tagged ‘child’

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It’s Okay to Freak Out

December 18, 2017

You think you’ve got it all figured out until it all blows up in your face.

My world paused for a moment there.

Mind, blank.

Everything around me started to fade in the background and I was left staring at myself sitting perfectly still.

When the only reason you stay put in such a repugnant and uninteresting place, unselfish enough to not pack and leave a whole world behind, is the one thing that could utterly break you.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m some sort of hypocrite, preaching one liberated thought, even expending unsolicited advice but totally freaking out when it gets thrown to my face.

Thirteen. Only thirteen.

A shitload of what ifs running through my head.

What if I did better? Am I any better?

As confused as I am, I keep wondering what they might be thinking, what he may be thinking knowing that he is scared and confused as well, more confused even.

Do not add any more scars, I say.

There’s a constant inexplicable pain throbbing in my chest as if my heart is about to burst only to be filled by an unmatched emptiness that is almost too much.

Am I pushing you away?

I can’t.

I can’t lose you.

You are my breathing existence.

You make sense and I’m not sure how I’d go about if you decide to shut me out, reclusive, unavailable.

But I am here.

I will never leave your side, I will not look at you any less for what you truly are.

Because I know you.

Because I love you.

And I will fight for you through slammed doors and ugly bruises, through raised voices and muted conversations, through awkward puberty and drunken night outs, through an ocean of tears and countless bear hugs because I remember one morning, 13 years ago, when the sun rose over a sugarcane field, piercing the jalousie windows of a small bungalow with the rusted blue gate, soaking a slumbering infant with heavenly light, I found myself staring at the most peaceful face, your chest rising and falling in the morning glow, little gurgling coos in between snuggles, your tiny hand closing on my thumb, safe, secured, and I thought to myself, there is nothing I would never do for you.

And I meant it, I mean it.

 

xx

DMV

 

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His Mind

March 4, 2016

It has always been a challenge (not a struggle) to raise a child with Asperger’s. They see a world so much different from ours, understand differently from what we can normally comprehend, grasp unrealistic ideas and view it as normal. They see color in black and whites and grays in color. They give a solid meaning to the word unique. So somewhere in between, you know you’d both clash and disagree.

But also in between you learn about patience (lots and lots and lots of patience), about perseverance, about compromise, about appreciation and amazement and unconditional love.

This kid, when he was younger, he could name all the flags of the world. When he got older, he could name all the car brands and their model types. Recently he’s into constellations and he’s been telling me about what he sees when he looks up the sky at night. It’s amazing how they could pour all concentration and focus and passion into that one thing that interests them and be scattered with all the rest.

There are days that I feel exhausted and helpless especially during the times when he is being unreasonable and throws a tantrum and no matter what I do he just completely shuts down and I can’t get through. There are days that I panic and overthink things, like how will he be able to live normally when I’ve gone. There are days when I feel like a failure and think that I am not doing enough despite all the medication and doctors and therapy.

Then there are days when he is overly sweet, does his chores, surprises me with I love you balloons and letters, talks to me about his day like what he did with his friends at school, jokes about random things, looks after his youngest brother and somehow, it assures me that somewhere, I am doing things right.

This kid, he’s taught me a lot about living. How to appreciate the little things, how to pay attention to detail, how to strive harder and never give up, how to dream. When he is shattered, I need to focus. When he is unnerved, I need to encourage. When he is irrational, I have to be patient. When he is being stubborn, I have to pour more love.

And yes he is extraordinary and atypical and awesome and I’m very very grateful.


xx

DMV

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Today’s Early Morning Run

October 28, 2015

Finally after more than two weeks of no exercise, I get back to my daily routine of jogging at 5:30am at the New Government Center. And for the comeback, I was greeted by two disheveled boys, aged around five or six years old if I may guess, sleeping on the side of the road. They were sleeping on the hard and rough pavement in fetal position because I guess they were cold. They had no mats, no pillows, no blankets. Just two little bodies in dirty clothes and dirty feet. I also noticed they had a plastic bag beside them of I don’t know what. And as I ran past them, I felt like I was going to cry. These little boys. I can’t help to think where their parents are, why they are left alone or if they even have a home. And just my luck, I did not bring any money to even buy them a hot meal.

I am appealing to our local government, these children roam where you go to office. They are very visible in the premises and I am praying you do something about this situation. They need your attention, our attention. They are constantly exposed to a lot of danger besides uncontrollable weather, from petty crimes to substance abuse, just so they could survive a day. These abandoned, helpless children are malnourished and uneducated. And just like every other member of our community, they too have the right to food, shelter and education. We need to get them off the streets and put back even just a little bit of hope into these kids’ despairing fates.

xx

DMV

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#KiyiyaVuranInsanlik

September 4, 2015

When I opened my Facebook account today, feeds about a drowned boy kept popping up. I know it’s click bait, but I clicked on the bait.

And I’ve been ugly crying here.

“A 3-year-old boy named Aylan Kurdi and his 5-year-old brother, Galip, were photographed face down in the surf Wednesday morning. They both reportedly died on a boat that capsized while carrying them to the Greek island of Kos. The brothers were attempting to reach Canada, where their aunt lives.” – BuzzFeed

(Also see: http://edition.cnn.com/2015/09/02/europe/migration-crisis-boy-washed-ashore-in-turkey/)

The images are so heartbreaking. I cannot even begin to think about my almost 2 year old boy experiencing the struggle from the violence this little Aylan must have faced in a place he supposedly called home, escaping and fleeing in terror, hopeless and cold in a tiny boat until it tragically capsized and he and his brother washed ashore to a foreign land, lifeless.

3 years old. It’s so unfair.

How privileged are my children for they do not know war or terror or starvation or death and they have the opportunity to laugh and play and learn. How fortunate are they to be sleeping in a warm bed at night and to wake in the morning and embrace another day of their young lives.

This too was little Aylan’s universal right. To wake up in the morning and greet the face of his family. To help himself to a sumptuous meal. To bask in the sun, play and get his hands dirty. To read nursery rhymes and fairytales. To learn how things work, how plants grow. To go to school and have friends. To grow up. To experience love and pain. To live.

All these taken away too soon because of selfish and heartless government and laws. We live in such a cruel world and at the expense of the innocent.

So tonight, after an eventful day at work or from wherever you are coming from, do a little extra. Shower your little one with kisses and hug him a little tighter. Appreciate that you have the TIME to watch their chests rise and fall when they sleep, to read to them, to sing to them. To see them learn to crawl and walk and jump and utter their first words, to call you Mama. To hear them cry and laugh. To look into their eyes, to hold their tiny hands. Express your love and be thankful.

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How his story should have ended…

Photo source: Steve Dennis

And to the rest of the world, there’s something that needs to be done soon NOW. The urgency is palpable.

We don’t have to live in hate.

xx

DMV

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To My First Born Son

March 25, 2015

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My dearest Joaquin,

How time flies, it’s been 11 years and how you’ve grown! In just a few years, I’ll be having my own teenager.

I’m so proud on how you’ve turned out to be, being your own individual person. And I’m so thankful for you because you have taught me so much about life; you gave me a darn good reason to live; you showed me my purpose on this earth and yielded me towards the right direction.

And I am forever thankful to God because not everyone is as lucky as me to be blessed with a son like you. I know sometimes I may be a little too hard but I only want you to understand your mistakes so that you learn from them. I want you to see that you can dream big and I will always be here for you, to walk with you in every step you make to fulfilling those dreams.

Manong, you are loved. Don’t ever think otherwise. You and your brothers are my world and I would do anything, everything, to give you the best life you could possibly have.

I love you beyond words. Always remember that. Happy 11th birthday!

Love,

Mama

xx

DMV

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She is….MOM!

May 12, 2014

As a tribute to our mothers, I’d like to post this entry, Day 1 of the reading plan I am currently on from http://www.justjoyministries.com/

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She Is… A Chauffeur!

As a mom, one of your most irritating and yet vitally necessary job descriptions is that you are a chauffeur! Now truthfully, I am not referring to the endless days of taking kids to soccer practice, youth group, the orthodontist and piano lessons.

You must make sure that your children reach their destinations in life. Every important destination that a child arrives at is simply because he or she had a mom who took the job of chauffeuring seriously.

From sleeping all night … to giving up their pacifiers … to learning how to write their names … to making their beds … to personal hygiene … you are the mom and you lead them in the right direction in order to reach these important goals in life.

You must not merely point them in the right direction, but by the example of your life you must take them there.

You cannot merely tell your children how to tie their shoes, how to serve God or how to be kind. Telling is not enough when it comes to mothering. You must model it by daily life choices.

Your child will be no kinder than you are … they will not be happier than you are … and they certainly won’t read the Bible if you don’t.

As you chauffeur your children through life, it is your input and impact that will take them through low valleys and to mountain top vistas … across bumpy, dirt roads and away from dead ends. But the fact that you are in the driver’s seat will ensure their safety and eventual arrival at a healthy place in life.

You are a chauffeur… make sure that you are taking your child in the right direction. In order to do that, you must make sure that YOU, the mom, are going in the right direction. Be mindful of only following the trustworthy directions found in the GPS of God’s Word and not the confusing and contradicting cultural roadmap that will lend only to dead ends in life.

Happy Mother’s Day! 😘

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xx

DMV

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Half Year Milestone

May 7, 2014

Our happy chipmunk can now sit on his own at six months!

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Don’t grow up so fast…nevertheless Mama is so proud!

I love you Juanchito 😄😘😊👏❤️👍

xx

DMV

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Half Year Bliss

May 5, 2014

Dear Juancho,

When I knew I was having you, I was scared out of my wits. I did not know how to provide for another child. But now, I understand why God gave me you.

You came at the point in my life when everything was dull and gray, full of tears and pain, when everything was heavy and dark and hopeless.

I never expected that you would bring me so much joy.

Six months and you’ve brought in sunshine and color and laughter and hope back into my life. When I am around you, all my sorrow fades away.

The way you touch my face and look up into my eyes; the way you smile when you see me come home from work; the way you laugh when i make all sorts of ridiculous faces; the way you roll over and try so hard to sit straight; the way you coo when you wake up in the morning; the way you form bubbles with your mouth; the way you hug me back when I carry you; your steady breathing when you finally sleep, I could just go on — these make up the moments of my life now.

Thank you so much Juancho for saving me. And I will continue to live everyday for you. I love you langga. Happy half year to you. 😘😊😍

Love,

Mama

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xx

DMV

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Sunday musings: Parents

March 2, 2014

For being a parent: a mother, a father, is the greatest accomplishment you could ever fulfill in your life.

Majority of parents would want what is best for their children. No matter how hard the pain and sacrifice each will have to go through, a parent will oversee and go beyond just to see his children well and grounded.

It is our duty as parents to take good care of one of the many wonderful blessings God has bestowed upon us.

We are not perfect, we are only human but human as we are, we are given the power to decide to be our best selves, a self that our children will look up to. A self that they could be proud of.

One of the tough parts of being a parent is knowing we can’t rescue our children from every difficulty in life. Sometimes the pain they suffer has to be their own. In those times, what we can do is walk with them in their suffering and, with God’s grace, see them through it. Even if the burden is theirs to carry, they don’t have to face it alone. (JimDalyBlog.com)

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We do not control our children’s lives, but we are tasked to be their guide, to support them, teach them and encourage them to be the best they could ever be, ready them to face the everyday reality of what we call life, so make time.

As God our Father is there for us, so shall we to our children.

Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. – Proverbs 22:6

xx

DAVJ

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