Posts Tagged ‘chaotic’

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What are you thankful for?

November 29, 2013

As we are celebrating thanksgiving, what are you thankful for?

It’s been a rough year for me, chaotic. Since day one up to today of this year, stress levels have been high. I know God has a purpose for this dreadful (not to mention long) experience and I am still waiting for that answer.

As I look back at the previous months, what I see mostly are tears and heartaches, arguments and silent conversations, neglect and anger.

So given that, what am I thankful for?

I am thankful for chances. It is because of the chances I took that I’ve learned to value and love myself. It is because of these chances that I’ve realized what are important and what matters most.

I am thankful for family. No matter how hard up I was, they never left my side. I know that they will always be there when all else is gone.

I am thankful for the blessing of good (great!) friends. They’ve put up with my being blind, stubborn and stupid for the longest time. They’ve been an open ear and a receiving arm when I felt that I needed someone to talk or run to. They’ve supported me and stood by me during my most trying times. I am truly grateful.

I am thankful for academic excellence, mine and my son’s. All my hard work has paid off.

I am thankful for my three beautiful sons. They are the reason I continue to live. They’ve taught me how to be selfless; they’ve taught me the meaning of unconditional love. They are the ones who’s given my life purpose and I will continue to strive and live for them.

I am thankful for the little things — An unexpected hug, a compliment, “I love yous”, my son holding my hand while we walk, good mornings and good nights, my baby’s toothless smile, random visits, funny stories, good jokes, words of encouragement…I could just go on. These little things make up the precious moments of our lives. Cherish and appreciate every single one.

I am thankful for the gift of life. Mine might not be wonderful, enviable or perfect but it’s the only life I’ve got and I will make the most out of it. I know that God will one day, again, paint this dull life with radiant rainbow colors.

I may not have a lot and my life is not even close to almost perfect and although I am hard up, battered, beaten and broken with all the reasons of giving up and not moving forward, I know there is that guiding light somewhere that will bring me out of this dark place; that is something to be thankful for.

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Always.

xx

DMV

(Photo courtesy: Tumblr)

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End of the rainbow.

November 25, 2013

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I didn’t find gold at the end of the rainbow. Instead I found a black empty pot.

Ten years and I think our journey ends.

We took a chance, I took a chance because I believe that Family is everything. God knows how hard I’ve tried and fought to save mine. I had hope. I didn’t stop believing that it will get better despite the circumstances. But everyone has a breaking point. I’ve reached mine and my heart’s shut off, battered, beaten, broken; exhausted of being hurt and being lied to over and over again.

I’ve no regrets though, I took the dive because I chose to. Unfortunately we surfaced to two separate boats.

But I am thankful.

I am thankful to have spent ten years with someone who’s taught me the value of patience and perseverance; to have spent ten years with someone I truly love. I am thankful for all the happy moments we’ve shared, moments I anchored onto when I was about to give up. I am thankful for the blessing of three beautiful angels who has taught me to love unconditionally.

I am thankful for the experience in which I learned to value myself. I learned to love myself, to know my worth, to know what I deserve. I learned to be unselfish when it comes to things that are important. I learned the significance of life and family.

Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, some things are just not meant to be. You may be in love with each other yet you just can’t live together. And no matter how hard you try to keep the relationship from failing, if you’re working at it alone, it will all just fall apart.

I’m sorry for not being perfect. I know I’m not the ideal wife. I’m sorry for being angry, I was just trying to look out for you and it gets frustrating when you don’t listen. I’m sorry for being emotional, it just makes me sad that you don’t notice me. I’m sorry for being jealous, I just wanted you to be mine as I was yours.

As we go our separate ways and live our separate lives, my only wish is that you find whatever it is that you are looking for.

The life we live are brought about by the choices we make. Let us move on and choose to be happy.

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xx

DMV

(Photo courtesy: Tumblr)

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End Results.

August 7, 2013

Our mind is a treacherous place. Trust is a fantasy. Monsters we have returned to. Malevolent we have become. We speak without knowing. We act without caution. We are selfish. A dark lore looms just above sanity; a sudden push might cease us to exist. Our epiphanies come to be catatonic. Everyday a catastrophic calamity of thoughts. We are broken pieces of glass. A bleeding inevitability of being incomplete. The predicament of wanting to be at all places at once. The dilemma of being stuck in between, having to choose between what is right and what is good. A far reach to sanctuary, a silent cry for comfort, a hopeful breath for relief.

Persevering patience for an ideal. A longing for normalcy.

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xx

DMV

(Photo courtesy: Tumblr)

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Ideal vs. Real

July 1, 2013

Those mental images, concepts, ideas of perfect…

When we were young, we believed we had it all figured out. The ideal life, the ideal job, the ideal boyfriend, the ideal husband, the ideal house, the ideal car, the ideal family…

You work at it, then life begins and you suddenly realize you got it all wrong. You try and try to reach that ideal but then reality strikes and you find out you just can’t win. So you build up this fantasy world to shield yourself from the pain, to guard against a mind about to collapse, a heart ready to explode.

Some shy away from everything they know, trying to avoid keeping up a brave face because truth is, everything is just broken.

Some stand at the edge of the rail, looking back and contemplating to jump.

Others put a bullet through their head.

Sometimes you have this fluttering feeling, a kick that says someone’s life depends on you and all you are left to do is lock yourself in some secluded place and start to cry.

We then start to ask, how did we end up here? Would we rather live a boring but normal life or a colorful but complicated life?

Where we end up are the results of the choices we’ve made while we journey on. We need to recognize the difference between what is ideal and what is real. We are the authors of our own books, we write our pages. If your ideals fail you, refocus. See reality, make do of what is in front of you, focus on things that matter most. Block away the trauma and move on. Easier said than done but realize it’s just tears and rain in a day of your life. There is still a great chance tomorrow might be sunny.

xx

DMV

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