Tipping Edge

I never imagined getting affected by the flimsiest of things but here I am, a chaotic mess of sad, angry and feeling bad. Yes, I felt bad.

It never crossed my mind that I would develop anxiety but the past 10 months of uncontrollable uncertainty has turned me into a silent wreck.

Isolation and confinement has pushed me to reach out to people, recklessly exposing myself to be emotionally vulnerable and I’ve been led on and left out.

I’ve never done any of these things before and it’s overwhelmingly new and suffocating. And as soon as someone paid attention, I easily forget that expectation is paired with disappointment.

I used to be so good at refocusing my thoughts, blocking out bad memories, or just not giving a care but somehow, it’s been getting really hard to hold it all together and not being able to control what runs through my head is taking its toll on me.

Too heavy.

Too depressing.

Too confusing.

Too much.

xx

DMV

Rainy Friday Afternoon

When everyone is used to running towards you, expecting you to fix their cracks and you try to seal it, feigning wit and refreshing humor, to somehow complete whatever it is that they lack.

You have this way of making things better after you, it’s hard to explain. The sponge so they say.

But who extracts the water from the sponge when it is full?

The glass is overflowing but they still continue to pour, fumbling for your lifeboat as they drown in the turbulent seas they ceaselessly create. You also give away your life jacket.

When you are gagged to even feel broken and muted so as not to be judged, the words bleed out of your mouth and drain you empty.

The silence is almost, always deafening, amplified by the sickening reflection you see when you stare at yourself in the mirror and find that there is no one around but you.

The world could seem like a complete nightmare sometimes.

I asked if you were okay and you laughed a little too loud, smiled a little to hard and held a little too tight when you said “I’m perfectly fine.”

 

xx

DMV

Blocked

I get you.

There were so many nights, I’m sure, that you struggled to silence the noise inside your head, but you just can’t.

How you pace back and forth by the front door waiting, counting the hours, the minutes, the seconds until the knob finally turns.

How you stare up the ceiling trying so hard not to panic but instead find yourself heavily breathing beneath the sheets of a cold and empty bed.

How you feel inadequate and not enough to fill his eyes, his thoughts, his lust.

A frantic scream, a restless void that you can’t seem to comprehend.

I get you.

He told me you weren’t okay but I never took a glance at how horribly he painted the woman he vowed to love for the rest of his life.

I know those were all pent up emotions and sometimes we say things we don’t really mean.

Maybe I was wrong to engage him in conversation.

Maybe I was wrong to have felt sorry for you and encouraged him to go home.

Maybe I was wrong.

I don’t know.

Truth is, there’s nothing to be scared of really.

What he and I had was far long forgotten but I understand if you feel the need to hate me. Hate me all you want, if that brings your mind at peace, hate me, that’s okay.

Because I get you.

I’ve been through the same, much worse even.

And I get you.

xx

DMV

Dealing with Anxiety

I received a text today, at 5 in the morning asking if I’m up and if I’m okay to talk because she’s going crazy.  I read it an hour and a half later and replied with yes, what’s up but there was no call, no reply on her end so I went ahead to tend to my plants. But there was a distressing thought that ran through my head, worrying about what is going on with her, why she isn’t replying and the fact that she is miles away and alone.

This isn’t the first time this has happened.

I’ve read so much about anxiety and how it affects the lives of those who suffer it and those around them. It’s heavy, it’s toxic and draining.

Coming from someone who doesn’t suffer it, the person who has anxiety might just seem like a drama queen, overreacting to petty situations and overthinking things. Something that is very well controllable if you don’t let your emotions get the best of you.

But it’s not. I’m no doctor but I believe it has to do with brain chemistry or something like that and if you feel like you suffer from anxiety, GET HELP. There is no shame in it.

My best friend, I believe, suffers from anxiety and it’s progressing anxiety. And I feel like every time she pours out her never-ending battles with herself to me, I also contract anxiety. Anxiety on the thought that I might one day get news that she hanged herself. And it’s freaking real and possible. (Note: She is not suicidal, but you can never know.)

We used to joke about it, associating it with our zodiac signs, her being a Virgo and me being a Leo, letting the stars justify how we deal with certain situations. It does have some truth in it though, Virgo traits include worry, being overly critical of self and others, all work and no play which totally describes her and Leo traits include optimism, straightforwardness, stubbornness and impatience which is well, me. When you get to see or hear our conversations, you might wonder how in the world do they even stay friends. We’ve been friends since we were 7. I think I’ve developed eye muscles from rolling my eyes too much over the drama and I think she has strained her voice one too many times from nagging the shit out of me.

But anxiety, it’s different, and it’s scary. I always am very cautious with what to say every time she has her episodes. I may not suffer it but I get it. I may not understand how chaotic her brain is compared to mine but I know it must be hard living in constant fear, all sorts of fear.

She worries too much about things, sometimes things that don’t even concern her. She worries too much about how people see her or think about her, she worries too much about work and life balance, feels guilty over simple expenses that somehow make her happy. You name it. She worries about it. “What ifs” is a staple. And I know she’s tired, exhausted from fighting with herself, with her thoughts. I get tired for her and I’m just listening.

I read about General Anxiety Disorder (GAD), how this type of high functioning anxiety is masked by overdoing, overthinking, and over-performing that’s why it’s so hard to identify. People who suffer from this tend to worry too much about things around them that they push their selves to overdrive. Those who have these symptoms would feel like it’s something positive considering that due to their worries, they strive so hard to excel and overachieve and come out as someone really successful but they are constantly plagued with not doing enough, not being enough, always vying for everyone’s approval and no matter how hard they’ve worked up and achieved things, the anxious part of their brains will always continue to criticize them. There is the constant fear of judgement and misunderstanding.

Her episodes have been recurring more often lately, she doesn’t sleep well. And for the nth time, I told her to get help. What she has done as of the moment was maintain a spiritual group and she prays constantly. I believe this has helped regulate her episodes but there is no harm in seeing someone who specializes with mental disorders and just get evaluated.

If you feel like you’re suffering from anxiety, know your symptoms, google it, read about it. Try to see how it impacts your daily life. Frustrating over a simple decision, over-analyzing a conversation or obsessing over an extravagant purchase more often than not, just means that your anxiety is acting up.

See a professional. Therapy and medication might help depending on the severity of your anxiety. Seeing someone who specializes with this would help you recognize your behavior patterns and teach you how to deal with it. Anxiety can’t be ignored or pretended away. Psychological disorders are created in the brain and it’s not something you can always control or fix yourself.

GET HELP. Again, there is no shame in it.

 

DMV