2014: New Year, New Life

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2013 was not the best year for me. It was full of stress, tears, betrayal and heartache. It was an overwhelming year, I could actually describe it as the “highlight” of my life. But if we dwell and count all the wrong that has happened to us, we would find a bad year after year, after year. So instead let us be thankful for the year that was; the blessings that God has continued to shower upon us.

What am I thankful for?

I am thankful for the wonderful blessing of family. Through my ups and downs, success and failures, through whatever, they have never left my side. With them, I know where to run in times of trouble, I know where I stand, I know I am priority. We may not always agree on things but i know that their intentions are for the best.

I am thankful for amazing friends who has continued to look out for me, journey with me and support me on whatever I decide to do and respect the choices that I make.

I am thankful for the beautiful gift called life. My children has been my inspiration to move on and move forward. They have given me my life’s direction and they are what I continue to live for.

As we close another chapter of our lives and open a fresh and new one, know that it is inevitable that we face challenges as we go along. But believe that it will be okay. Remind yourself that it will all be okay, say it enough, say it so often that one day you’ll actually believe it.

Everything that we want to happen in our lives solely depends upon us. All things happen for a reason so hold on, have faith and never give up cause who’s to say that tomorrow won’t be the best day of your life?

From me to you, a blessed 2014. A new year, a new life, another chance to get it right! Let’s all embark on new adventures! Cheers!

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xx

DMV

Photo courtesy: Tumblr

What are you thankful for?

As we are celebrating thanksgiving, what are you thankful for?

It’s been a rough year for me, chaotic. Since day one up to today of this year, stress levels have been high. I know God has a purpose for this dreadful (not to mention long) experience and I am still waiting for that answer.

As I look back at the previous months, what I see mostly are tears and heartaches, arguments and silent conversations, neglect and anger.

So given that, what am I thankful for?

I am thankful for chances. It is because of the chances I took that I’ve learned to value and love myself. It is because of these chances that I’ve realized what are important and what matters most.

I am thankful for family. No matter how hard up I was, they never left my side. I know that they will always be there when all else is gone.

I am thankful for the blessing of good (great!) friends. They’ve put up with my being blind, stubborn and stupid for the longest time. They’ve been an open ear and a receiving arm when I felt that I needed someone to talk or run to. They’ve supported me and stood by me during my most trying times. I am truly grateful.

I am thankful for academic excellence, mine and my son’s. All my hard work has paid off.

I am thankful for my three beautiful sons. They are the reason I continue to live. They’ve taught me how to be selfless; they’ve taught me the meaning of unconditional love. They are the ones who’s given my life purpose and I will continue to strive and live for them.

I am thankful for the little things — An unexpected hug, a compliment, “I love yous”, my son holding my hand while we walk, good mornings and good nights, my baby’s toothless smile, random visits, funny stories, good jokes, words of encouragement…I could just go on. These little things make up the precious moments of our lives. Cherish and appreciate every single one.

I am thankful for the gift of life. Mine might not be wonderful, enviable or perfect but it’s the only life I’ve got and I will make the most out of it. I know that God will one day, again, paint this dull life with radiant rainbow colors.

I may not have a lot and my life is not even close to almost perfect and although I am hard up, battered, beaten and broken with all the reasons of giving up and not moving forward, I know there is that guiding light somewhere that will bring me out of this dark place; that is something to be thankful for.

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Always.

xx

DMV

(Photo courtesy: Tumblr)

End of the rainbow.

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I didn’t find gold at the end of the rainbow. Instead I found a black empty pot.

Ten years and I think our journey ends.

We took a chance, I took a chance because I believe that Family is everything. God knows how hard I’ve tried and fought to save mine. I had hope. I didn’t stop believing that it will get better despite the circumstances. But everyone has a breaking point. I’ve reached mine and my heart’s shut off, battered, beaten, broken; exhausted of being hurt and being lied to over and over again.

I’ve no regrets though, I took the dive because I chose to. Unfortunately we surfaced to two separate boats.

But I am thankful.

I am thankful to have spent ten years with someone who’s taught me the value of patience and perseverance; to have spent ten years with someone I truly love. I am thankful for all the happy moments we’ve shared, moments I anchored onto when I was about to give up. I am thankful for the blessing of three beautiful angels who has taught me to love unconditionally.

I am thankful for the experience in which I learned to value myself. I learned to love myself, to know my worth, to know what I deserve. I learned to be unselfish when it comes to things that are important. I learned the significance of life and family.

Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, some things are just not meant to be. You may be in love with each other yet you just can’t live together. And no matter how hard you try to keep the relationship from failing, if you’re working at it alone, it will all just fall apart.

I’m sorry for not being perfect. I know I’m not the ideal wife. I’m sorry for being angry, I was just trying to look out for you and it gets frustrating when you don’t listen. I’m sorry for being emotional, it just makes me sad that you don’t notice me. I’m sorry for being jealous, I just wanted you to be mine as I was yours.

As we go our separate ways and live our separate lives, my only wish is that you find whatever it is that you are looking for.

The life we live are brought about by the choices we make. Let us move on and choose to be happy.

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xx

DMV

(Photo courtesy: Tumblr)

My little Angel

Yes, I was pregnant since February of this year (me and my husband got back together, you figure it out) and I just gave birth to a beautiful baby boy last November 5th.

It wasn’t an easy pregnancy. It was stressful and chaotic but I’m blessed that Little Boy came out and turned out to be okay.

I had to literally start from “zero”, the age gap being nine years. And baby stuff? I literally had none (not even one washcloth!). But I thank God for caring and thoughtful friends and family who eased my needs by throwing me a baby shower during me and my husband’s 10th year anniversary. From that moment on I’ve been excited to meet Little Boy.

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And it was a torturous waiting game when I was on my 37th week. I’ve had a number of false alarms and it was really dragging. I couldn’t wait to get it over with. I felt bloated and heavy and tired.

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(Photo courtesy: Jyuan Sebastian V. Jose)

But due to some complications I was augmented on November 3rd, 4 days before my due date. I was in labor for 36 hours and during the one and a half day I stayed in the labor room I watched other pregnant women come in and go. It was very exhausting; everything hurt, everything felt heavy, everything was messy, I literally felt so battered. And when my Doctor came during the wee hours in the morning of the 5th to further my labor, we found out that Little Boy was in breech position and I was subject for C section. Imagine going into labor for 36 hours and ending up in the operating room (tragic).

But on the brighter side, I thank my God for keeping me and my baby safe.

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Our little angel JUANCHO ANGELIOS V. JOSE, born November 5, 2013 and the whole of Negros Occidental celebrated with him.

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xx

DMV

Just some random thoughts.

There always comes a point in your life when you question yourself “Have I made the right decision?” I for one have lost count on how many times I’ve asked myself that dreadful question. But I do get that the life we live depends upon the choices we’ve made and if you find you are happy or miserable, you alone are accountable. Nobody is responsible for your happiness or your misery except you. The changes we want to see all depends on what action we do for what we want accomplished. Sad truth is we can’t save the world, we can’t save anyone from their selves.

Life is sometimes full of worries about details. If someone asked me how I was and I tell them I am doing fine, I’d be lying. I’ve been stuck in a dilemma for so long that I almost feel indifferent. But I am fully aware that my life’s turning point would all depend on me.

xx

DMV

End Results.

Our mind is a treacherous place. Trust is a fantasy. Monsters we have returned to. Malevolent we have become. We speak without knowing. We act without caution. We are selfish. A dark lore looms just above sanity; a sudden push might cease us to exist. Our epiphanies come to be catatonic. Everyday a catastrophic calamity of thoughts. We are broken pieces of glass. A bleeding inevitability of being incomplete. The predicament of wanting to be at all places at once. The dilemma of being stuck in between, having to choose between what is right and what is good. A far reach to sanctuary, a silent cry for comfort, a hopeful breath for relief.

Persevering patience for an ideal. A longing for normalcy.

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xx

DMV

(Photo courtesy: Tumblr)

ANGELES

Angeles.

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The name of a Daughter.
The name of a Sister.
The name of an Aunt.
The name of a Mother.
The name of a Grandmother.
The name of a Great Grandmother.
The name of a Friend.
The name of God’s follower.
The name of an Angel.

To us grandchildren, she was our Lola Inday. An extraordinary woman who has dedicated her life to God and her family. I know for a fact that one can never say anything bad against her or recall any bad memory. That’s how extraordinary she was. She went to different heights just to ensure her family’s security and comfort. We can always run to Lola Inday and she will lend us a listening ear. She would share her wisdom about life and encourage us to be optimistic about it. She was always fair and kind and mindful of other people most especially her family. Family always came first. She was the heart and root of the family, she had the power to gather all of us in one place and bond over the most delicious food she could create. I could just go on and on and on on how beautiful this woman was to each and everyone of us. Everywhere she went, she touched lives. She was special. She was an inspiration. She was a blessing. She is our Angel.

July 19, 2013, after seven years, she is finally home.
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July 22, 2013, we finally laid her to rest beside Lolo Piciong, her beloved Ding, as she had requested.
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I close my eyes and try to form a complete picture of my beautiful abuelita. The way she talks, the color of her hair, her favorite outfit, the smell of her room, her enchanting smile and I realize I miss her.
She is a part of me, a part of us, a part of everyone whose life she’s touched.
She, the woman that is everything positive and strong.
She, the woman who taught us to be tender when we need to be a shoulder to cry on.
She, the woman that can take a stick of butter and a loaf of bread and turn it into a feast for God.
She, the woman who taught us to find beauty in everyone and everything and that judgment is unnecessary.

And it is comforting to know that she is always there.

Lola you are special
Your love knows no bounds
A room takes special warmth whenever you’re around
You believe we are beautiful and talented and wise
And choose to see the best in us through such loving eyes
Every day with you was precious
We are so grateful for the time
Of all the grandparents in the world
I’m thankful that you’re mine.

Angeles Canet Mascunana Verdeflor
November 18, 1923 – October 24, 2012

xx

DMV

INFERNO by Dan Brown

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SPOILER ALERT!

I’ve finally finished reading Dan Brown’s Inferno and I must say it’s an amazingly chilling read (although the way he writes is confusing at times).

Yes, it’s unbelievably far out, his serial heroes Robert Langdon being perfectly versed with all of history and symbology and iconography and Sienna Brooks being inconceivably the most intelligent woman on earth. But then again, you don’t read Dan Brown books because of the redundant way it’s written or the absurd combination of words, you read it to be engrossed in a speedy, heart racing plot and see that facts from history, truthful global conspiracies could be incorporated into a work of fiction. You are educated. You then get hooked.
Note: Everything that happened in Inferno happened within 24 hours.

The book, inspired by the inscrutable symbolisms from Dante Alighieri’s The Divine Comedy and Sandro Botticelli’s Map of Hell, is devoted to transhumanism, devoted to the future of humanity and the existential risk it reveals due to overpopulation and the alarming fact that in the next century we may cease to exist. What’s frightening is that depicted in the book are two graphs from the World Health Organization supporting this theory. It is also mentioned by the antagonist of the story, Bertrand Zobrist, a deranged biochemist, in order for humanity to survive a sustainable environment, the population of the world should not run over four billion. We are currently running to seven or eight billion. Zobrist believed that unless a catastrophic event significantly reduces the startling rate of population growth, the human race will be wiped out thus, with the aid of the Consortium, he creates an airborne virus that could modify human DNA causing 1/3 of the world’s population to be sterile.

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When I was reading the book, i did realize that this idea could somehow be true. Mentioned also in the book was the very controversial portrayal of Manila as the gates of hell. When Sienna Brooks joined in a humanitarian mission to one of the third world countries, they went to Manila, Philippines and it was mentioned in the book that she was shocked by its apocalyptic poverty and was almost raped by local ruffians. An excerpt from the book goes: “When the group settled in among the throngs in the city of Manila—the most densely populated city on earth—Sienna could only gape in horror. She had never seen poverty on this scale.”

I believe this sparked controversy because most Filipino “nation builders” are in denial. Yes we are on an alarming scale of poverty and unemployment and one of the reasons to this situations is due to overpopulation. They fail to see the overcrowded metropolis, the high crime rate, child labor, sex trade, pollution and unemployment. I am sure that this is not only applicable to Manila but also to densely populated areas all over the world.

Somehow I viewed the book as an eye opener on what is the world’s current status. And maybe somewhere, there is a deranged Bertrand Zobrist existing, a scientist with a mind ahead of its time, also creating a solution to help humanity survive.

Ok, stopping to overthink now. But again, I loved reading this book. 😊👍👏📕

xx

DMV

Ideal vs. Real

Those mental images, concepts, ideas of perfect…

When we were young, we believed we had it all figured out. The ideal life, the ideal job, the ideal boyfriend, the ideal husband, the ideal house, the ideal car, the ideal family…

You work at it, then life begins and you suddenly realize you got it all wrong. You try and try to reach that ideal but then reality strikes and you find out you just can’t win. So you build up this fantasy world to shield yourself from the pain, to guard against a mind about to collapse, a heart ready to explode.

Some shy away from everything they know, trying to avoid keeping up a brave face because truth is, everything is just broken.

Some stand at the edge of the rail, looking back and contemplating to jump.

Others put a bullet through their head.

Sometimes you have this fluttering feeling, a kick that says someone’s life depends on you and all you are left to do is lock yourself in some secluded place and start to cry.

We then start to ask, how did we end up here? Would we rather live a boring but normal life or a colorful but complicated life?

Where we end up are the results of the choices we’ve made while we journey on. We need to recognize the difference between what is ideal and what is real. We are the authors of our own books, we write our pages. If your ideals fail you, refocus. See reality, make do of what is in front of you, focus on things that matter most. Block away the trauma and move on. Easier said than done but realize it’s just tears and rain in a day of your life. There is still a great chance tomorrow might be sunny.

xx

DMV

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