You Will Heal

I’ve visited pain inflicting places I swore I never would.
Dove down to hurtful memories and surfaced out of breath.
I’ve listened to tear stained songs I thought I couldn’t bear to hear.
Laughed like a crazy woman between mundane circuses.
I’ve danced tirelessly on the dance floor since after I thought my bed was my only comfort.
I’ve opened up to new faces when I swore I will never trust again.
I’ve apologized for things I wish I have never done, things I wish I have never said.
And I’ve forgiven myself for all of it.

You will heal. I promise. In time, you will heal.

xx DMV


Photo is of my 96 yo grandma’s place, totally devastated by typhoon Odette. First floor of her house was entirely submerged in flood, water stayed for 2.5 days. Road to is not yet cleared, had to park the car on the roadside and walk going in carrying supplies that would last for a month. No electricity, no clean water available, they have to go to the nearest town just to secure. Despite all, still thankful they are safe. Much repair is to be done, but we’ll get there. We’ll get there.

Another New Year

All too often, anger works better than answers, resentment better than reason, bursting the suppressed wounds for even just a little sigh relief, and maybe a little hint of life. The endless whys trigger a migraine. This is how we are alive. This is how I was living.

Sealed trauma;
A surfaced past;
Trying to forget, will forget, please forget, I don’t want to go there;
Tight lips;
Soulless eyes;
Empty thoughts;
Heavy heart;

This year was remarkable.
From being diagnosed with MDD cm ADD and put on medication for 13 months;
From sleeping next to pitiless insomnia;
From countless court hearing resets and dragging court dates;
From being sick with Covid, first time riding an ambulance, brought to a facility, my anxiety was spiraling, it was so stressful I lost so much weight in just 2 weeks;
From going through the heartbreaking deaths of my dogs;
From falling out friendships and toxic relationships;
Yes, this year has been remarkable.

I don’t talk much. I don’t. But the doctor said I have to. To process. To release. To unbury feelings. To ungirt the leash that is suffocating. So this is as much that I could do. I’m trying, it’s unusual, it’s uncomfortable, but I’m trying.

Despite everything, I am proud of myself. For hanging in there. For surviving. For still being here. I am no longer angry. I haven’t been in a long while now. I am more calm. I don’t try to feel too much of the insignificant things.

And most of all I am grateful. Especially to the few who understand me, who include me, who check up on me, who bear with my quiet, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Sending out love to each of you, wherever you find yourself this season. 💜

xx DMV

%d bloggers like this: