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Infinite Apologies

December 19, 2017

When apologies fall on deaf ears and reconciliation is overlooked by blind eyes.

A half smile.

I felt the distance in your voice when you asked how I was as I sipped my coffee; it left a bitter and sour aftertaste of pride and anger and hurt.

Quiet dead spaces.

I am sorry.

I keep wishing these three words could restore the fault lines I moved that quaked our existence and paint the cracks I created with gleaming peace.

And I will not stop.

Because I understand my mistake and I am pained just the same.

Because you are invaluable and beautiful and loved.

We live through a multitude of things, from life changing experiences to extraordinary adventures to immense sorrows and uncontrollable laughter.

And moving along, we stumble upon people who shape us and lift us out from the weighted burdens of life.

Some leave an indelible mark and these are the ones who are most fragile to keep.

We are not invincible and our hearts will shatter. Theirs will too.

I am sorry.

And I will not stop.

Because what we had (and I’m hoping we still have) was real, I was as real as you were but I admit I am not infallible and so is everyone else.

I am sorry.

And I will not stop.

Because despite hits and misses, we grew the same roots and bent the same shoulders and broke the same bones and it was okay; our thoughts in place, our intentions clear.

You had me, I had you, and somewhere in between, that was enough.

I am sorry.

And I will not stop.

Because I hold you close to my heart and I will not wait until the dam is full and our waters overflow and will no longer be contained and our heartstrings become tangled and yanked and torn, no I will not wait.

I am sorry.

And I will not stop.

Because I will not let this pass only to be buried and ignored. I will take my chances.

Your presence resonates a rare comfort that lulls a restless soul and I kind of miss that.

I am sorry.

And I will not stop.

Even if you feel agitated and this becomes a vicious cycle of me stepping in, voicing out, just so you could hear and see that I am truly sincere.

I am sorry.

And I will not stop.

Not until you grace me with a full smile that will revive an ebbing fire.

What we shared was the rasp that carved me into this odd sculpture, imperfect but beautiful nonetheless.

I would not have been whole if not for you, that is how much you mean to me.

I am sorry.

And I will not stop.

xx

DMV

 

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