It’s Okay to Freak Out

You think you’ve got it all figured out until it all blows up in your face.

My world paused for a moment there.

Mind, blank.

Everything around me started to fade in the background and I was left staring at myself sitting perfectly still.

When the only reason you stay put in such a repugnant and uninteresting place, unselfish enough to not pack and leave a whole world behind, is the one thing that could utterly break you.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m some sort of hypocrite, preaching one liberated thought, even expending unsolicited advice but totally freaking out when it gets thrown to my face.

Thirteen. Only thirteen.

A shitload of what ifs running through my head.

What if I did better? Am I any better?

As confused as I am, I keep wondering what they might be thinking, what he may be thinking knowing that he is scared and confused as well, more confused even.

Do not add any more scars, I say.

There’s a constant inexplicable pain throbbing in my chest as if my heart is about to burst only to be filled by an unmatched emptiness that is almost too much.

Am I pushing you away?

I can’t.

I can’t lose you.

You are my breathing existence.

You make sense and I’m not sure how I’d go about if you decide to shut me out, reclusive, unavailable.

But I am here.

I will never leave your side, I will not look at you any less for what you truly are.

Because I know you.

Because I love you.

And I will fight for you through slammed doors and ugly bruises, through raised voices and muted conversations, through awkward puberty and drunken night outs, through an ocean of tears and countless bear hugs because I remember one morning, 13 years ago, when the sun rose over a sugarcane field, piercing the jalousie windows of a small bungalow with the rusted blue gate, soaking a slumbering infant with heavenly light, I found myself staring at the most peaceful face, your chest rising and falling in the morning glow, little gurgling coos in between snuggles, your tiny hand closing on my thumb, safe, secured, and I thought to myself, there is nothing I would never do for you.

And I meant it, I mean it.






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