Sometimes Alone is Better

You gave your heart to him. All of your heart. Every goddamn bit of your heart. Your world revolved around him and in the process, you’ve forgotten all about yourself. Everything was about him. It felt like you couldn’t function without him so you made everything you did all about him. You were breathing him, drinking him and it was the destruction of you. I lost me. You didn’t know yourself anymore. You’ve become a stranger to yourself. You weren’t the bubbly, positive person that you used to. You face the mirror and you see someone else, a monster.

You braved your storms alone and as you did, your ship capsized and you were slowly sinking to the bottom of the sea, drowning in anguish and melancholy that somehow worsened with each passing day and you were gasping for air, frantically swimming to the surface. When you finally emerged from the deep and dark, sunlight was beaming, blinding your eyes and you had to shield away.  And so in this moment, you started building your walls, relentless to build it as high as possible. You were a marathon of emotions that fueled the construction and at the end you’ve made a fortress no one, including yourself, could break through.

But fate has a sick sense of humor. One day, at the most random moment, you just stumble upon a daydream. He won’t be your idea of perfect, he’s not even your type. But everything that you’ve ever imagined was him. He doesn’t demand anything, he listens, he appreciates, he understands. He respects you, he cares for you, he doesn’t judge. He was willing to wait for the day you will eventually learn to love him back, to love him the way he loves you.

You are consumed by fear, unconcealed and illuminated fear. You are just too afraid to give that kind of love again and so you quietly crawl back to your walls, hide behind your fortress. And you watch him walk away. Because what’s the point in waiting when he’s waiting for nothing. Maybe you’re bent to be alone. Like feral animals on display at a zoo, locked in cages because they’re only good to look at, not good enough to get close to touch because you might get hurt.

So yeah, you watch him slowly fade into a tiny piece of nothing as he walks on and you sit on your tower staring at the sunset, streaming tears of regret. But sometimes it’s better this way.

xx

DMV