I wanted to write about you. About how I’m starting to resent you. About how I feel like you aren’t true to your word. About how I’ve been asking because you said to ask and I’ll be getting what I’ve asked for, but I haven’t. About how I’ve been searching what you said will be found, but I stare in blank spaces instead. About how I’ve been knocking because you said you open doors, but even the windows are shut. I keep asking myself why you let these things happen; why you are silent, unanswering, unavailable. I feel unheard, abandoned. I feel like you are not on my side. It seems like you have a sick sense of humor and the joke’s on me. You’ve left me anxious and frustrated and bitter. I believed, I believe, I keep on believing, I even keep on assuring myself that I believe and that there is a reason behind all these, that there is a purpose these has to happen.
After more than a month of ignoring you, I finally went to see you last Sunday. You welcomed me despite that. You had me sit and offered me really good coffee. You smiled upon me last Sunday and we talked. You asked how I was and you even sang to me. You then asked me if I’ve set goals for my life. I told you about mine, the goals I’ve been setting for so long, the goals I’ve been immensely praying you help me with. You asked me if these goals are anchored on love. By love you mean by sharing to others, goals with selfless acts, goals that honor and respect. You then started talking about faith and encouragement and character. I was holding back tears as I listened and stared at you. My goals were anchored on myself and I felt so ashamed.
I’m sorry for being impatient and for being easily swayed away from what you’ve taught me to do. I’m sorry for being selfish and self-centered. I realized that when I try to justify myself, the end result still points back to me. I know you have a better plan than the one I have in mind, you always do. So I will wait. I will wait for whatever it is that you will give me, whatever it is that you want to happen. I will wait. I will extend my patience and wait because I believe it will be better. If tomorrow doesn’t go as I planned, then so be it. I will trust you on this one.
Let love be your highest goal. – 1 Corinthians 14:1